How to Help Your Children Through Divorce

The older the children are, the more they understand what is happening and how much a divorce will change their lives.

This can cause intense unease, fear, anger, sadness, and confusion as the children navigate the unsettling change.

When their family breaks up, older children also face a bewildering challenge to their identity. Their solid family unit disappears, leaving them to reappraise themselves and rethink their future and perhaps their past.

This can add additional stress to the already difficult task of preparing for important life events such as final exams at school or finding one's feet at university.

In addition, they may be brought in as a confidante, judge, or sounding board by a parent. One or both parents may speak badly of the other parent or try to get the child to pass on messages unfairly.

Older children may also have spent the few years preceding the divorce witnessing arguments or conflict between their parents and may be relieved that this will soon cease.

However, others may feel resentment or anger towards their parents for not working it out or for the impact on their family.

As is obvious, this will be an inevitably confusing time for an older child, and they may struggle to find ways to cope and express their feelings.

However, there may also be situations where the child is glad or relieved that their parents are separating and can positively recognise that it is the best outcome for them and their family.

Questions or views may be shared about where the child will live. Where there is a dispute about a child's future, a child arrangements order will resolve the parents' disagreement.

But the law is clear that no court shall make such an order that applies to a child once that child is sixteen unless the circumstances are "exceptional".

It is important to highlight this to any older children, as it will reassure them that their views will be heard and that they will be properly treated as young adults.

Advocacy services like NYAS are also available to help older children express their wishes.

This age group may find help and support outside the family unit useful, such as counselling and therapy.

• Reassure them that you will still love and support them, that it isn't their fault, and that there isn't anything they can do.
• Do not involve the child in conflict or encourage them to take sides. Recognise that the child will likely want a relationship with both parents and need encouragement (where it is safe for them to do so)—try to put your feelings aside.
• Explain that you aim to reach a positive agreement with the other parent and that the child doesn't need to assist with making that agreement.
• Find a form of words to explain the family breakdown that all parties can consistently use. This will avoid taking sides or causing further unnecessary disagreements around your separation.

Younger children may understand the situation less, but they can still pick up on any conflict or tension and will certainly experience the change if/when one parent moves out of their home.

Whilst a younger child may be excited at the prospect of having two homes to visit, there may be others who miss the stability and consistency of both parents being in one household.

This may cause younger children to become more clingy, teary and emotional.

They may struggle to express their emotions or communicate their feelings, as they may not understand them.

They may also struggle in school, so it is worth speaking to your child's teacher to explain the situation at home. They can look out for the child and provide any extra support.

In terms of how much younger children can understand, they will usually benefit most from a shorter, easier explanation about the divorce.

If they receive many details, they may feel overwhelmed, so it's usually best to keep it simple and provide lots of love and support.

They can then make sense of everything in their own time.  

If an agreement cannot be reached regarding child arrangements and the court is required to make a decision, Cafcass (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) will become involved.

Cafcass will consult both parents and the child to form an opinion on the best decision for the child.

Cafcass also offers useful online resources to help separating parents prior to any court proceedings. For example, they offer a template Parenting Plan, which helps formalise and clearly set out the contact and practical arrangements.

This can create a positive, solid routine for the child and avoid further disputes or conflicts between the parents.